For longer I wanted to write something new in here. But there was never enough time to write, words to describe it or a simple will to do anything. Many travel bloggers describe their journeys, post wonderful pictures and share their memories, but not that many are willing to share what happens when their journeys are about to end and they come back to reality. This is what this post will be about.
It’s hard to keep up blog up to date while travelling. I’ll answer the question “Why?” in another post. Depending on the month and conditions I could work on the posts in advance or work on the back log. It was mostly back log. After my trip finished I still had few countries to describe, for next month or two yet I wasn’t concerned with that, as at home I could write and edit pictures in peace. At least this is what I thought.
And the beginning was indeed somehow similar to what I’ve had imagine it would be. I could finally meet my family – I arrived just on my Dad’s birthday with cake in my hands giving him biggest surprise I could give at that moment. I could meet with my friends I have not seen in many months and just relax, chill out, sleep in my bed, live in decent conditions, don’t worry about where I’ll be or what I’ll eat on the next day.
I’ve had plenty of time, yet time was going fast, same as the people around me and all I could feel was myself in slow motion. Everyone was running to get on time the tram, bus, green light, work, church, meeting, date, everywhere. Everyone but me. I didn’t understand this rush and I knew wasn’t part of this. I was a stranger in the real world. World, where everything has its purpose and everyone spends half of their life at work and so on. The thing with being an outsider of some kind is – even if you’re surrounded by family or friends – that you feel extremely lonely. Of course I knew it will eventually change when I’ll find work myself.
The thing was, I couldn’t find anything reasonable. I spent two months looking for a job, sending dozens of applications every day, yet without any results. So naturally my great self-esteem that I gained during past year started to disappear week after week with just another job interviews and no offers. “Fun fact” is that I don’t live in a remote village but an almost 2 million metropolitan area and even with university degree, speaking 5 languages I still didn’t have anything.
Hey, I know that finding a job is never easy. But if you add the two points with the third, it kinds sums up in the wrong way. By 3rd point I mean the lack of movement, lack of what I’ve been doing for almost 1,5 years – travelling. Every day looked the same, I lost track of the weeks passing by. Looking at the pictures from the journey started to make me feel uncomfortable. I still wanted to describe my remaining weeks in South America, but I didn’t really wanted to go back to this and see what I have lost.
To understand what I was going through back then someone would need to go through same situation as me. I didn’t want any sympathy, I wanted to be understood. Yet as I didn’t know anyone “like me” I felt lonelier than ever. Then something even worse happened – I’ve found a job. Why was it bad if I’ve been looking for it for months? It was a good thing, but at wrong time. Instead of sorting out my feelings I flung myself into work.
I didn’t want to go work at another corporation, yet partially situation was pushing me and partially I liked the job description as it was kinda related to my studies but on the corporate/business level. So I have focused myself on work and the tricky part here is that there’s always more of it. And if you like it, it’s very possible that you won’t see it consuming your life. And because Karma is a bitch and it gets us when we’re most vulnerable, here I am tired, stressed out thinking what is my aspiration in life. I have returned from my trip last year and sometimes I feel I’ve never even left. I am not a whiner, not generally at least, but emotions need to be dealt with.
I should come back to writing and remind myself these times there.